Overcoming our own expectations and focus on outcomes to simply be our best
Three weeks into my eight week challenge to write and share a blog a week I noticed something, worry. Worry which quickly became fear. To fulfil my goal I needed to write a blog post this week and I had absolutely no idea what to write. To add to that the first few posts had received some positive feedback and comments. Now I didn’t just need to write a blog post, I needed to write one which was as good as the last two.
On top of that, in the space of two weeks writing a blog had become part of what I do. In becoming part of what I do it became something I have to do and that needs to be good, otherwise I have wasted my time, readers’ time, and in some way that makes me not as good as I should be.
It is a pattern I experience and see a lot (ironically, this experience is one of the things I aim to inspire and help people overcome through coaching).
It is that sometimes paralysing pressure we place on ourselves through the weight of our own expectations to achieve an outcome.
Breaking this down I often notice three parts to this pressure
We become fixated on the outcome
We lose sight of the reason behind the outcome and why we’re doing it in the first place
The outcome we’re trying to achieve we often cannot even control
The impact?
We get swept up in the sea of striving to achieve things, often out of our control, and if we do achieve them what matters is the next outcome, and then the next and the next and the next. Sometimes we can repeat this cycle so often we forget the why that even started us on this route.
The alternative?
Starting from the why, focusing on the how, the steps we are taking and letting go of setting our stall in the outcome and in doing so experiencing the joys, ups and downs that get us to where we want to go.
Coming back to what was now an anxiety to write this blog post I re-read the post I shared to frame my first blog (as a history graduate I can’t not reference the full source, so here it is). Re-reading that post three things jumped out at me
I enjoy writing and wanted to do more of it
I wanted to serve others by sharing what I had learnt and the wisdom and experiences that had helped me
I wanted to take steps to tackle a perfectionism that often stops me doing what matters to me
Two weeks later I’m a coach who blogs worrying about whether their post will serve and so be good enough. You could say that perfectionism was fighting back!
In revisiting that first post I reminded myself of those original motivations, notably enjoying writing, something which was lost in my fixation on getting the blog post done and week three completed.
My thoughts then turn to what I can and cannot control:
What I can control?
Whether I write the blog
Posting the blog
Continuing to fulfil my goal of posting weekly
Writing with the intention to serve others, to share experiences that help others reflect, reframe or find some helpful insights
Whether I want to accept or let go of this new identification with what I do
What can’t I control?
Whether anyone finds the blog useful
Whether anyone even reads the blog
From this reflection, I was reminded of the distinction between the process and the outcome. In short, I can control the process but rarely, if ever, can I fully control the outcome. In fact, there is very little I can control. Although unlikely, my laptop could spontaneously combust and then there wont be a blog. More possibly my internet cuts out and I can’t post the blog. Interestingly, with my renewed motivation and clarity, I noticed solutions surfacing to tackle both these possibilities: I can write it on my phone, find a cafe with wifi etc etc.
So while I cannot control much, knowledge of that fact - awareness - can make action much easier. As Sir John Whitmore, one of the founding fathers of modern coaching said:
“I am able to control only that of which I am aware. That of which I am unaware controls me.”
With that awareness, I can let go of all the things I’m holding onto - the expectations, the outcomes - that I cannot control. Moving forward I can then focus on the process and all the steps that will take me to where I want to be.
Focusing on the process
Taking the blog example and thinking about a process. I can give myself plenty of time to write the blog, I can put things in place that will help me focus (turning off my phone, closing emails, arming myself with a glass of water, setting myself a time limit). During the week I can collect notes and thoughts of ideas to write to relieve the pressure of coming up with something on the spot (for someone who loves a pun never ask me to pun on demand…). I can also acknowledge the doubts and the fears and give myself time to revisit my motivations and to reset my intentions before starting in a panicked oh-no-I-need-to-get-this-blog-done approach. Finally, I can define what good enough looks like, which, based on my original motivations, was to write a blog and to post it with the intention of serving others. With that process in mind I can also begin to fulfil my other aim, to enjoy writing, by taking my focus off of what the writing is aiming to produce.
In fact I can do even more. I can refine this process. I can consider what worked well from the first two weeks, what could I do differently, what else I would like to try or change.
When we think of the process we give ourselves ultimate control, the choice of what we want to do, how we want to approach it, if we even want what we thought we did. By placing our focus here, on the process, and by letting go of expectations and outcomes, which we cannot control, we give ourselves the freedom to give our best to the process and in doing so to be our best.
Another way of looking at this, and a question that struck me from the High Performance podcast, was:
‘What am I holding onto that is stopping me being my best?’
Often it is the thing our best is trying to achieve - the outcome - that constrains and pressures us so much that we cannot even be our best in the pursuit of whatever it is we want.
So, approaching the end of the process for this week’s blog post I want to offer two summarising thoughts. The steps we can take to reframe expectations and let go of outcomes, and a reflection on the impact of being process rather than outcome focused can have on our lives.
Steps to reframe expectations and pressures to create action
Find your intrinsic motivation - What do you want and why? When you think you have the answer, ask why two or three times more. This will be the anchor to ground you and keep you on track when expectations, doubts or worries arise
Let go of what you cannot control, even the outcome - list out all the things you cannot control in moving towards what you want as well as the expectations and fears that arise
Focus on what you can control - now list everything you can control or do that could move you to where you want to be
Create your process - from what you can control choose what it is you want to do, how you want to do it and start doing it
Reflect and repeat - refine your process, reflect on how it is getting you to where you want to be, adapt it and change
Enjoy the process - sometimes the process will move you closer to where you want to be, other times it will not, either way you will have learnt, you will always have the knowledge that you tried
Final reflections on finding joy in the process
What would life look like if we only considered it by its outcomes? So often these are the things we are focused on and measure ourselves by yet the outcomes we do or don’t achieve hide a whole process of discovery, learning, and experience beneath it.
When all is said and done it is rarely the outcomes we recall with fondness but the experiences we have had and shared with others, the points on the way to those outcomes.
In a world that can often feel caught up in legacy - sometimes deemed the ultimate outcome of achieving something so significant it outlasts ourselves - perhaps the most significant impacts we can have are simply the moments along the way. Or to put it more eloquently:
“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”
