Tackling self-limiting beliefs (originally: I can’t write a good title for this blog post…I can’t do this…)
When I first thought of writing a blog it had grand plans. I wanted to share insights, experiences and ideas, that I have picked up through coaching, being coached and in working with some great leaders and that I have found personally impactful with the hope that they could be of benefit to other people.
Sounds pretty straightforward.
Cue an invasion of intrusive thoughts.
“Why me? Why are my experiences of any use to anyone?”
“What if I get it ‘wrong’ or miss something really obvious?”
“I can’t do this.”
“Why do people want to hear from me?”
“What if people think – ‘who is he to call himself a coach with ideas like that’?”
“Wont people have heard it all before? All I need is to be another voice in a sea of information.”
Most of these questions can be challenged in some way with – ‘does it matter?’ or ‘can I control the outcomes I’m worrying about anyway?’
My instinctive answer from behind the parapet of my comfort zone is ‘yes’ to both challenges.
Yes, it does matter what others think/ if I get it wrong/ if I annoy people because it threatens my sense of belonging, my blissful anonymity that comes from staying in my comfort zone and saying nothing.
Yes, I can control the outcomes, by simply not sharing a blog post or my thoughts.
But answering ‘yes’ has far greater impacts both big (they stop us being our best or pursuing our dreams) and small (I am still writing a blog post I started in December 2021, don’t even ask me about that novel I started in 2014).
Self-limiting beliefs are a defence mechanism. Fears of not belonging by risking being wrong, by standing out, by acting without certainty of the outcome – fears of being vulnerable – are incredibly self-limiting but also have a purpose. We all have them. They keep us safe from judgements, keep us in our comfort zone, help us avoid vulnerability and maintain our perceived sense of belonging and connection with others.
However, these self-limiting beliefs also stop us being us. They stop us sharing ideas we believe in and are passionate about, they stop us learning, and ultimately, they stop us living fully.
Beliefs are perceptions we hold about how things are, that shape how we see things. Beliefs– even self-limiting beliefs – can change.
There are several parts to overcoming self-limiting beliefs and it isn’t a linear process but one of reflection, awareness, self-compassion, openness and courage. Below are some of the steps that I have seen help me and others to tackle self-limiting beliefs.
Awareness - What are the beliefs that are stopping us being our best? If we’re not aware of something we cannot address it. If I don’t see the tree in front of me I’ll run straight into it.
Perspective - We are not alone, we ALL have self-limiting beliefs. We are all seeking meaning, belonging and connection, sometimes these beliefs are an attempt to protect what we feel we have.
Impact - what are these beliefs and fears stopping you from doing, being, achieving? What would it feel like to be where you want to be? What is the impact on you of not being there, of being held back by these beliefs?
Reframing - What is good enough for me? We all have to start somewhere, we will never get anywhere without simply showing up and having a go. What belief might better serve me to get to where I want to be?
Moving forward - Where do I really want to be? Courage is not the absence of fear but acting despite the feeling of fear. When we become aware of the beliefs that are getting in the way of where we want to be we can begin to plan a way forward
One step at a time - What is the first step forward? We rarely conquer a fear in one go, it is a process of small steps out of our comfort zone, bit by bit.
Celebrate - Congratulate yourself on the steps you have taken. Regardless of the outcome of those steps, what we learn from those steps will mean we are one step closer to where we want to be than we were before we took that step.
Reflect on your belief - a belief is an idea we have about ourselves and how we interact with the world around us. As we take these steps to challenge self-limiting beliefs we can begin to consider if these beliefs as true for us as we thought
We will all have self-limiting beliefs. With awareness, self-compassion, openness and courage we give ourselves the choice to overcome these beliefs and in doings so be our best and share that with the world around us.
