Once upon a time I was worthy. How to empower ourselves through the stories we tell ourselves.
If you were to meet someone right now (well, obviously when you’ve finished reading this post…) and you had never met them before and they knew nothing about you, how would you introduce yourself?
Would you tell them what you do or what your job is? Would you say where you’re from? Would you mention significant relationships (I’m the child of, I’m going out with/married to)?
How would what you say differ based on the person? Say they were much older than you or in fact they are someone you greatly admire?
What do you notice about your imagined introduction? What would it feel like if a friend introduced themselves in a similar way to you?
Even if only a few words, these words are an excerpt from a far larger story we are part of and have created for ourselves. They can tell us a lot about us and can often reveal what may be holding us back from being our best.
Chapter 1 - The importance of stories
Stories - that is descriptions of real or imagined experiences - are essential to understand and live our lives. Stories help us make sense of our experience past and present and to explain and understand why we do what we do.
Going further, stories have been essential to our survival as a species. Some of the oldest stories that have been passed down orally can be traced back nearly 9,000 years and relate magical narratives of megafauna and the loss of coastal lands (where the sea creates small islands or erodes significant portions of land). These ancient stories were crucial cautionary tales to ensure the survival of future generations and as a result have stood the test of time, even in the case of megafauna where these threats have now gone.
Stories provide purpose, they explain, they teach, they help us connect and bond with others and they help us express ourselves, our thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and challenges.
While stories are important we aren’t always conscious of what we say and how we say it or of the stories we tell ourselves. These stories, or internal narratives, often have the same functions: they help us understand and explain our experience and often form the basis of how we act and the stories we then tell or how we tell them.
If we are to understand these narratives, how we frame and explain our experience through stories we can often find answers to what may be holding us back from being our best or pursuing what we really want.
Chapter 2 - when stories get in the way
Our internal narratives and stories can help and hinder us. Assuming that we’re often our own worst critic these stories can get in the way of us being our best. In fact, that inner critic is probably rooted in a story.
How can we begin to identify what these underlying narratives might be? Most likely, they shape our behaviours (what we do and don’t do) and the stories or explanations we tell about these behaviours.
Consider the following examples:
‘I can’t run a business because I’ve never been good with numbers.’
‘I don’t have the charisma to be a good leader.’
‘I am a lawyer/ teacher/ parent/ founder of…/captain of…’
The first two show fixed language, ‘I don’t’, ‘I’ve never’ and ‘I can’t’, assumptions and generalisations of what it takes to run a business or to lead or the type of person that does either, and judgements (‘good’). The third defines and identifies the narrator. In both cases we can see how the language we use and the stories we tell, even the shortest stories, can be incredibly self-limiting.
These examples are self-limiting because they are binary, there are fixed beliefs about what makes something ‘good’ and whether we are ‘good’, generalised, they lack perspective or balance and because they are self-defining: ‘I am x’.
As Goethe wrote:
‘If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.’
Applying this idea to our internal stories, we can see how the stories we say can keep us where we are or they can empower us to be what we can be.
In her research on the psychological trait of grit - passion and perseverance towards a long-term goal - Angela Duckworth’s research showed hope to be a way of cultivating grit. Her work on grit emphasises the impact of how we frame a situation, the story we tell. Drawing on the work of Martin Seligman she highlighted that just as helplessness can be learnt so can hopefulness if we are able to recognise our self-talk, the stories we say, as interpretations of objective events. She concluded her point by quoting Henry Ford: ‘whether you think you can or think you can’t - you’re probably right’.
Chapter 3 - becoming the creators and not just the characters of our stories
Stories become self-limiting when they own us or we are caught up in the story.
Think of the time you said ‘I must do x because…’ this is an example of a story we have attached ourselves too. Eventually these stories become a self-perpetuating narrative for how we live our lives. They may stop us applying for a certain job or pursuing a certain passion because our story says that we are not worthy when the reality is that it is just a story.
When we become aware of our stories we can begin to reframe them and to choose what stories serve us and what may be a better story or narrative.
Approaching our stories with openness
Carl Rogers, the founder of humanistic psychotherapy, said that ‘the facts are our friends’ and this is an invaluable reminder when we began to explore our stories.
Stories often overlay facts with layers of our interpretation, beliefs, and influences from our environment. Yet we hold the story as if it is true rather than being one way of seeing something.
To be able to reframe our stories is to first recognise that we are not our stories, in fact we are the creators of these stories. Yes, these stories are shaped by how we see the world which doesn’t just come from us but from our friends, family, community and many more external influences, however, it is still us who can choose how to piece all these ideas and elements together.
To begin to reframe and empower us through our narratives we must start by recognising we are the writers of our stories. Then we can begin to look at the stories objectively.
Recognising our existing stories
Once we recognise we are the owners of our stories we can begin to explore the prominent stories and internal narratives we hold, so we can identify how the story is serving us and what is shaping the story. In doing this it is important to note that one powerful function of a story is as a coping mechanism for a setback, a loss, or even trauma. That is also to recognise this process is not one we need to nor always should do alone or in some cases without professional support. That is also part of the power of the process of examining the stories we hold as it quickly shows us what may help us better handle the stories, beliefs and experiences we have.
To begin that exploration we can ask ourselves the following:
What are the stories that shape what we do day to day?
What story shaped a recent, significant life decision?
In what contexts do certain stories arise and what is their impact on us and how we act?
How do these stories serve us?
When we ask how a story serves us we are asking if it is empowering me to pursue and live the life I want? Sometimes a story has served us well and been invaluable in getting us to where we are, however it doesn’t mean it will get us to where we want to be.
From this answer and the awareness of the stories we hold, we can begin to reframe and create stories that may better serve us for getting to where we want to be.
Reframing and creating empowering stories
What makes an internal narrative helpful and empowering?
Often what we say is affected by how we say it, or where it is coming from. A helpful distinction is the idea of Self 1 and Self 2, which Timothy Gallwey outlines in The Inner Game of Tennis (as we’ll see and have mentioned before Gallwey’s work is applicable far beyond tennis).
Self 1 is characterised by trying to force things to happen through thinking, telling and trying to control things. Self 1 is also judgemental and will show up with comments like ‘I must do this’ or ‘I should have done that better’. In contrast, Self 2 is more present, relaxed and focused on the now, it acts non-judgmentally and intuitively through feeling and observation. Where Self 1 limits us through forcing, judging and generalising, Self 2 frees and creates the opportunity to learn through openness to experience. In the case of stories, Self 1 tries to control or perpetuate a narrative, Self 2 allows it to unfold.
One example could be:
Self 1 - I need to deliver this presentation confidently and concisely by following my script word for word, for it to be good.
Self 2 - I have prepared for this presentation and now simply need to deliver it as best I can in the moment
If we frame our stories from Self 2 we become open to possibility, less stuck in the rigidity of what should or will happen based on Self 1 trying to create or follow a certain story.
The first step to reframing is therefore to become aware of who is narrating our current stories, is it from Self 1 or Self 2? Knowing this we can begin to reframe stories or create ones that better serve us.
While self-awareness alone is a powerful foundation for change - it is after all us seeing the world as Self 2, observing non-judgmentally and present to experience - we can also proactively train ourselves to tell more empowering narratives and storylines in the moment, through affirmations, reflection and practice.
Reflect on the language we use - The language that can create a more positive, Self 2-like framing is non-judgemental, it observes and focuses on the facts. Journaling can externalise our thoughts and stories and help us see what language we use. Is it judgemental? How does it interpret the facts? What may be another way of framing things?
Detaching ourselves from our stories - develop practices that help us pause so we can more easily recognise when a story may be taking over. If there are certain situations where we know we are susceptible to self-limiting stories, develop practices to prepare for those moments. It could be breathing in for four seconds, holding for four seconds, breathing out for four seconds. This slows us down and forces our focus away from the story. Practices like regular meditation can also help us train our minds to recognise that thoughts and feelings come and go so that we can be better prepared to intercept a story before it takes over.
Create an affirmation and evidence bank to remind us of our worthiness and to challenge recurring narratives - similar to creating the confidence in our resources to approach uncertainty, we can build an evidence bank of our attributes, abilities and accomplishments that challenge unhelpful stories with empowering facts. We can then create affirmations out of this evidence bank, such as ‘I am courageous.’, ‘I am worthy, as I am.’, ‘All I can do is give my best.’ Affirmations help embed new, empowering stories and beliefs that will help us identify a story counter to that belief.
Make positive self-talk a practice - a key tool for elite performers is practising positive self-talk, this is deliberately cultivating a positive inner dialogue and reframing negative thoughts into affirmations and opportunities. For example, reframing a presentation that didn’t go well from ‘that was a failure’ to ‘that didn’t go as planned, however I have learned a lot from the experience for next time’. We can turn this into a practice with daily journal prompts to create a habit of thinking about our potential rather than the outcomes. Some daily prompts you could answer are: ‘In what way was I courageous today?’, ‘What did I learn about me today that will help me grow tomorrow?’, ‘What were you proud of today?’
Chapter 4 - I am worthy of my stories
What we do or don’t do in life, the extent to which we live wholeheartedly and fully by taking confidence in our innate worthiness so often comes down to the internal narratives and stories that shape what we believe we can and can’t do: what we tell ourselves we are worthy of. The reality is that these are simply stories, they don’t own us.
In the same way we are not owned by our bookshelves, we are not owned by the stories in our head that fill our mental bookshelves. When we become aware of the stories filling those shelves we can choose whether we want to keep them or create new stories to fill our shelves with.
Becoming aware of our stories is a potentially liberating process, one of acceptance and empathy. We allow ourselves to really listen to what we say about us and in doing so choose whether we would like to change that. It is a process that can see us shift from controlling, judging and thinking to one of openness, observation and feeling.
What would it be like if we treated ourselves with openness each day, trusting in our intuition? What could we be and how might we then approach others and the world around us?
What stories could we create?
