Overcoming the uncertainty that comes with seeking what we really want
Pursuing what we want requires us to act without knowing the outcome of our actions, that is to be vulnerable. We have to open ourselves up to potential success or failure without knowing the outcome, without knowing what will happen, we have to be open to uncertainty and to not being able to control what may come.
This potential vulnerability, which comes with the uncertainty of what might happen if we pursue what we want, can often stop us before we have even started. We look to not only avoid the fear of what could be but also what it could show: that we are not good enough.
The impact of avoiding uncertainty
What are we missing out on in life by not stepping into uncertainty?
What does the world miss when we don’t embrace uncertainty by being vulnerable?
By avoiding this vulnerability, we risk not following our heart, we don’t seek out what we really want, and the world misses out on what we have to offer. Instead to protect us from these fears we can disconnect from what we really want and we miss out on what else life has to offer and on exploring our full potential.
Or, we may take steps towards what we want but in trying to control for all the unknowns we seek to create something perfect or only act when we know it will be just right.
As a result, we get caught up in perfectionism or procrastination and not only miss out on what we could be but create the additional pressure of striving for perfection in the process.
Or, we may take steps towards what we want but in trying to control for all the unknowns we seek to create something perfect or only act when we know it will be just right. As a result, we get caught up in perfectionism or procrastination and not only miss out on what we could be but create the additional pressure of striving for perfection in the process.
Uncertainty itself is a fact, we cannot know the future. What gets in the way is how we feel about that uncertainty and why. While uncertainty can be paralysing, it also points to possibility. In recognising uncertainty and vulnerability as an obstacle to action we can take steps to reframe and address that uncertainty so it can become a launchpad rather than a barrier to what we want.
Unpacking our feelings towards uncertainty
What can make the uncertainty feel vulnerable and scary is an underlying feeling of scarcity. For Brene Brown, a researcher in shame and vulnerability, this scarcity is rooted in comparison, fear of shame and a resulting disengagement as our creativity is stifled and we become scared to take risks for fear of not being good enough. For Brown, by not being good enough we risk losing belonging and connection, which are the things we seek most.
This feeling of scarcity means that our approach to uncertainty is often one of avoidance or procrastination. We may believe that whatever we do wont be or simply isn’t good enough to even try. Brown concludes that the ‘greatest casualties to our scarcity culture are our willingness to our own vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.’
It is this feeling of worthiness that can act as the antidote to fears of uncertainty, vulnerability and to shift a mindset of scarcity. However, it is not as simple as acknowledging a feeling of worthiness, a belief that regardless of what we do we are innately worthy.
Here uncertainty arises again.
A scene from the film Coach Carter comes to mind when one of Coach Carter’s students stands up and, quoting a Marianne Williamson poem, offers these words as thanks for all he has learnt under their coach:
‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.’
Perhaps it is easier to focus on where it could go wrong because if we considered how well it could go there is no reason not to act.
This quote highlights the uncertainty of worthiness. What could our greatness be?
It continues:
‘It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world.’
So in a world where the predominant culture is often one of scarcity - one of comparison and fear of being shamed - perpetuating a fear of uncertainty and being vulnerable we can even lose touch with our sense of worthiness. However, to explore that worthiness also opens us up to uncertainty, the uncertainty of what we could be and to accepting our worthiness to have all that we want.
So how do we get there? What can we do to nurture our feeling of worthiness and to act in the face of fear and uncertainty, to move towards not only what we really want but what we could be by embracing our greatness?
Harnessing our innate worthiness and tackling uncerctainty
If we are able to recognise and find confidence in our capacity to tackle uncertainty and our past experiences, we can begin to reframe uncertainty and scarcity, gain perspective and build the courage to choose to act. Alongside these resources we can cultivate an inner belief in our worthiness so that when we act in pursuit of what we want we are ready to receive the possibilities it offers.
Considering our resources to deal with uncertainty
Our stress response - fight, flight or freeze - is often linked to uncertainty, the perceived threat of the situation and the very human fear of not being good enough and so not belonging. Pressure, which is attributable stress, that is stress we can identify a reason for, comes from this perceived threat as much as the reality of the situation. The feeling of pressure comes when there is something at stake. Delivering a presentation or pursuing our passion may not be a genuine risk to our survival but it can feel that way.
Pressure and the accompanying uncertainty are a regular feature of life. This fact means we have to and have confronted it before. These past experiences can become the evidence bank to remind us of our resources, or ability, to confront uncertainty and the pressure of uncertainty in the future.
Consider the following and list as many examples that come to mind
What situations have you had to face and you have got through where you have felt there is something at stake and where you haven’t been able to control the outcome?
When have you had to adapt to a change that was outside of your control?
What do you notice from the examples you list?
For the first question it could be an exam, a job interview or application, a performance, a career change, a difficult decision. What is important is less the outcome but the fact that we got through them. Likewise, for question two much of life involves adapting to changes outside of our control, whether it is a train cancellation or more significant change or challenge, again the fact we have got through it, we are still here, is significant. Of course it isn’t simply about getting through something, resilience is more about how we get back up than simply getting back up, but the questions hopefully show that we can create our own evidence bank to highlight our resources to confront uncertainty.
With this evidence bank we can begin to reframe uncertainty and to see the opportunity we can seize with the resources we have developed from past experience.
Reframing uncertainty
At the heart of the Coach Carter quote is a sense of possibility. Michael Johnson, the Olympic gold medallist, said that pressure was the shadow of opportunity. The uncertainty and fear we feel when something is at stake is also the recognition that with uncertainty comes the possibility to move closer towards something that is important to us.
The other side of scarcity then is possibility, yes we may get it wrong but if we get it right what could it be?
Returning to our resources, the outcome in these examples was less important because each time we take a step into the unknown we are stepping out of and expanding our comfort zone. As we go beyond our comfort zone we grow, we learn, and we uncover more of what our power or greatness is.
Believing is being worthy
No one else can make you believe you are worthy, that you have it in you to seek what really matters to you and that you deserve this. Until we believe in our worthiness we will see scarcity and feel not good enough, not deserving of all we can be.
This is what Brene Brown refers to as living wholeheartedly, being vulnerable because we know we are worthy of what we really want, which for her is connection and belonging, which can come from relationships, from work and from how we live our lives.
To believe we are worthy is to allow us to be ourselves, which is to be our best. A question that came up when we explored what fulfilling our potential is comes to mind again:
What are we holding on to that stops us being our best, or in this case, believing we are worthy?
We can already see we have the resources to navigate uncertainty and that uncertainty itself is possibility as much as it is risk.
If we are to confront uncertainty we need to tap into our worthiness, to recognise we have everything within us to be great and to take action to pursue what we want.
If we are stuck in a cycle of not feeling worthy it can be hard to flick a switch to believe we are worthy, however this is where purpose can help. Our being worthy is not just about us. To paraphrase the Coach Carter quote our playing small does not serve the world.
What do our friends and family and the world miss out on by us not being worthy, by us not following our heart and being all we can be?
Confronting uncertainty
The title of Brene Brown’s book, which explores vulnerability and wholeheartedness, is called Daring Greatly and refers to a famous speech by Theodore Roosevelt:
‘It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.’
The title of her book alone is powerful.
Uncertainty is a fact of life. However when we pursue what we want or something new it often means more uncertainty that we cannot control and where something that matters is at stake. This uncertainty and lack of control can cause fear and inaction.
To confront uncertainty we must dare greatly, we must be vulnerable. To do so requires us to realise our own, innate worthiness, simply as we are.
We can do this by recognising the resources and experiences we have that show we can confront uncertainty and by reframing uncertainty as a possibility to not only create what we really want in life but to be greater than we can possibly imagine.
To be worthy is not to simply be our best but to share our best with the world. As the scene in Coach Carter and the poem they quote by Marianne Williamson concludes:
‘And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.’
What could it be to be vulnerable in the face of uncertainty, to dare greatly, to show up as we are?
What world could we create if we let our own light shine in the face of uncertainty?
References
Brene Brown, Daring Greatly (2012)
Thomas Carter, Coach Carter (2005)
